Which one you find harder: to break up a 3 year long relationship with the only man you had able to love, or to find out your father's family is a happy one.

Is it for real? Many people break up, make up, break up, and make out. We broke up, made up but this is for real. On one hand it was a huge relief, on the other, I couldn't be more lost. It will sound mushy, but never had I cried that much for a man before. It wasn't even pain I had, it was just a huge huge empty hole, sucking the life out of me. I reminded myself to breathe. And when I woke up, I'm alone. I supposed I'm allowed to cry.

But the day after my break up, I saw a picture that changed my life. My father's children. His daughter (10) and his son (7). His son looks so much like my brother. His hair, his eyes. I forgot breathing altogether. My cousin told me his family was a happy one. That his wife is a happy woman. They live in a happy place. He drives his family around. Their children go to a happy school. I stopped breathing. Selfish as it may sound, it could've been my happiness. That happy woman could've been my mother. I had a happy childhood, it was full of flaws and bruises sewn together with sheer will. My brother and I took care of eachother. We took care of our mother. But how come? 15 years of no news, and he has a happy family? His family is a happy one, a normal one.

I've grown up to be more resilient than my peers. I've hit rockbottom, and I have no Dads whatsoever to rescue me. When I was suicidal, there was no father to come help me. And my mother always had to work. When I ran away, she didn't go looking for me. I had to go back by myself. I'm used to this, living by myself. Not wanting more. I know I'm blessed as I am. But when I saw that picture I broke down and cried. That was pain.

The only thing I wanted was weed and smoked away all my willpower. I broke down and cried. Give me my money now. ...