Whatever I'm doing now, it's hard work. Which is not the feeling I want to get. To believe the results is simply based on hardwork is a selfish feeling.
A few days ago, there was a search for student ambassador in my school, and I didn't believe from the first time that I'll win. But I was thrilled because some friends of mine were very supportive. I rarely speak to them, but they were encouraging me. When I prayed, I pray so I won't be too let down if I didn't win. And that's the belief I held.
And that's what I got. I didn't feel let down. I felt a bit pissed because of the political system, but hey, who's to blame? It's business and remember, the personal is political? The directors should change their sex since they're doing it in a girly manner. However, again, who's to blame. Yet, it wasn't there at the first place for me to 'feel' it. Therefore, it will never be there. Not mine.
Today is Kutu's 23rd. And I feel mightily sad.
Another mightily sad story, Husky will take off in a few weeks. I don't know how hard it is for him, since all he have is here, in Singapore. But whatever it is, he's starting a new life. But me. Much that I hate Singapore (Yes I do. Seriously - we're living in an ant-hole inside a transparent plastic container. Cramped, damped and wherever we go, we'll bump to other people), I love the people I have in contact with. I love the people that I can only find in Singapore, when I'm in Singapore. Including the cocky people who're so proud to be 'atas' Singaporean that will make you bored with their economic commodity speech.
But my friends.
Ah, I didn't care that much anyway. As Doris Day once said, Que Sera Sera.
And I want to have faith again. Believe again. Being positive about something again. For the first time in my life I feel like I'm on a ship and it is rocking mad. I want to go. I want it to go.
When they say love is blind. This is why. Love is not blind, but relationships will make you blind. Relationship with your partner, your environment, your friends, your social circle, your magazine, your ideals, your status. These are the things that make you lose yourself. And I am in the middle of this turbulence. Guess what, I don't want to care.
So there, I will lay it bare. I will stop pretending. I have nothing to lose. Hopefully, I can hear myself again. Then I could start to believe.
Jesus man, thank you for waking me up.
Labels: Daily life