"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
Galatians 6:9
I believe that Jesus guides me through every day of my life. These few weeks I've been away from him. Today I was really, really down, and he consoled me.
It was a rough day. Deadlines all cluttered, post-credit trauma rises up, the fact that I only got forty cents left for today, the fact that the exco members were as motionless as pieces of clay (They should've said something encouraging, but they didn't), the fact that I EXPECTED H to call me up AT LEAST to show his interest in whatever he said yesterday. The fact that Mona brought up NUS law department, the fact that I actually starting to believe that I COULD get into it. THe fact that the LameHorse didn't turn up today (I'm the kind that need a closure to everything). The fact that Mom called this morning. The fact that the new members aren't what I expect them to be. The fact that everything went so wrong today, I wanted to rip myself open, cry like hell and discontinue everything I'm doing and just drop it. Drop it because I suck at it. And everything else fails me.
I believe, there is no kinder love than the one life is giving you. I patched up so badly after the meeting, I wasn't that happy to meet Husky. But I met him and he made me laugh. And I thought, ok, that's it, that's the only portion of fun I deserved. And I should go home and start on my essay.
But no. I didn't want him to send me home because something was telling me that I'm about to do something. I thought something was my essay. I believe in the voice within. Intuition. And my intuition has never failed me before. So I ride home alone.
At home, I knew that there will be my housemate's cellgroup. I didn't know why, it was very unlikely, but I joined. And the leader taught us, "Bring up your experience as high as your faith. Don't bring down your faith to the level of your experience." Or something like that.
There is five stages to a harvest: Dream, Decision, Delay, Dead End and Deliverance. I think I'm still on delay now. The worst still yet to come. I've ranted before that life is so unfair because I'm still so young, yet I can foresee how much work will I be doing in the future because of the circumstances. I ranted to my dad. And I asked effing why.
I could choose to be an ignorant and pass everything, then spend my father money (he will give it anyway because of guilt) for the sake just to get a degree and I COULD have fun. I could spend time beautifying myself, travel, read up on things that I really like, don't care whether I'll earn much or not. Why didn't I just do it?
Why?
I want to do it badly. I still want to do it.
But everytime I chose to abandon my responsibilities, the Right comes and I know, the only reason I won't be doing it because I'm on denial. And delay is not denial.
Although I'm not any better, but I'm sick of people who think that they could do everything without other people's help. So please, go ahead. I'll resign. And what does one commendation do to my lifelong story? ZILCH. I have nothing to prove to you, but I have future ahead and my cert will prove me more than your commendation can do to me.
So yeah. I found my focus back. And I found what I should do to keep up with my focus. Stay strong.
There is a quote that never rubs off, at least for me: mens sana in corpore sano. The real translation is A strong mind in a strong body. But it sounds like "man's sense in a sane corp". Man here, refers to Homo Sapien. As in human. And corp, is your physical body.
And I hope. There will come a day, where me and my friends would gather again at TCC, talking randomly at ugly people and what are they wearing. Guys, I miss you all.
Labels: Daily life, faith